I’m a quiet chap, who generally keeps himself to himself. I’ve written a little, some of it even published, although I’m still honestly not sure if any of it’s any good or not.
It’s eight years since I’ve had a girlfriend, seven years since I’ve had a career and six years since anybody visited me regularly. To be fair I’ve become pretty good at isolating myself, choosing my own company over the discomfort that I’ve increasingly felt being around other people. There are truly only a handful of people I’m comfortable around, and a couple of those are because I only have to ‘be around them’ when we talk on the phone (I never actually see them these days). Everyone, everyone, else – family or other – gets my game face, and wearing my game face is mentally and emotionally exhausting. My home is a sanctuary from all of that.
My GP says I’m bi-polar, and would feel a lot happier medicated. I tried that and it just numbed me emotionally. So I now self-medicate with alcohol when I need to. But I need to quit that as I think I may be seriously trashing my liver.
Anyway I’m rambling, but that’s me. My internal monologue is a marathon speaker, sometimes writing is the only way to silence him for a while. I’ve taken the time to learn that I’m not alone in feeling alone, or feeling happier alone. But there has to be some outlet. I’m hoping this blog will help with that, and that it might offer something to others too.
16th December 2013